Breathe Me
by ginnysmonkey
Summary: "Brittany had always been the dumb one. The blonde. The daffy but loveable sidekick. And she hated it." Another explanation of one Brittany S. Pierce. Now a multichapter fic. Title from the song by Sia. Mentions of anorexia, depression, cutting, and drug use.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hi guys! This project was mostly just to get writing again because I've had horrible writer block. This can either be a one shot or, if you guys want more, review it and I might make it a multichapter fic. For those of you reading Us Against the World, I'm so sorry it's taking so long to update...I have almost no inspiration for the episode I'm working on writing. But I'm working on it, I promise. So, I've never written Brittany before...but here's another person trying to explain one Brittany S. Pierce seeing as the writers haven't. Okay, AN done. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or the characters therein.

Brittany had always been the dumb one. The blonde. The daffy but loveable sidekick.

And she hated it.

At the age of 6, her teacher finally convinced her mom (that's Professor Pierce to you) that Brittany was, in fact, developmentally not on par with her classmates. She had no filter. What she thought, she said- even if it was in the middle of a lesson. When she read- well, that was assuming she _could_ read. The teacher had tried and tried (or so she explained) to teach Brittany, but to no avail. The other kids in her class noticed that while they wrote sentences she drew unicorns, and they teased her endlessly.

When they got home after school that day (the dark day, as Brittany remembered it), after her mom had picked up her sister from day care, she sat Brittany down and tried to teach her how to read. She was Professor Pierce and her daughter would be able to read, damn it. And Brittany tried. She really really tried. But the letters swam in her head and she couldn't seem to make them into words. Her mom got mad at her then, telling her she wasn't trying hard enough and that she was disappointed. She was sent to her room with an empty stomach and tears threatening to fall.

It took two years, two years of Brittany not learning, two years of frustration and tears at home, before Ms. Pierce finally followed the school's advice and took her daughter to the doctor. Brittany came away from the doctor with a lollypop and two shiny new diagnosis'- A.D.H.D. and dyslexia. A bad combination, the doctor said- bad, but not impossible. For a scholar such as Susan Pierce though, the confirmation that her daughter would probably never be a genius (because, even if she was that intelligent, she'd never sit still long enough to show anyone... not to mention that she was practically a functional illiterate) was unacceptable. Education was the key to success, in her not so humble opinion. So Brittany got tutors, her mom would give her that much, but no way would her daughter need the "special resources" that the school tried to offer.

With the help of her tutors, Brittany made some progress at school. However, every day of school was a day of torture. It required her to sit still and try to pay attention; Brittany tried her best, she really did, but she just couldn't be a "good girl" like her mommy and her teacher and her daddy (her mom had made sure to call him once she got diagnosed. Words like "no good" "your fault" and "have fun with your new family while I deal with your mess ups asshole" were said over the phone) wanted. It frustrated her to no end. She just...couldn't do it. No matter how many times her tutor forced her to try and read books by some doctor named Seuss.

The teasing at school only got worse as she got older. The kids got meaner and their comments got wittier. Brittany had always been a pleasant child, smiling and loud (much to her mother's chagrin). She was entirely unprepared for how to deal with the name calling and indian burns that happened on the playground. Things only got worse when the yard duty, seeing a crying Brittany, asked her what happened and, having been told to always tell the truth, Brittany told her. "Tattle tale" was added that day to the taunts that forced Brittany off of the monkey bars and to hiding behind the backstop. That day was the day that Brittany decided that maybe she shouldn't talk as much. Her smiles didn't show up as much either.

To be honest, Brittany doesn't remember much of elementary school. What she does remember can be summed up as such: it sucked. What Brittany remembered from elementary school, she didn't want to remember because when she did remember it made her want to cry.

The summer before sixth grade, Ms. Pierce decided she wanted to focus more on her research. Therefore, she quit her job at Ohio State and instead became a part time Professor at Lima Community College. Brittany, although glad that she was escaping their old routine, felt incredibly invisible in the van ride when they moved while her mom ranted and her now five year old sister talked nonstop. By now, Brittany had learned that sometimes it was best just to pretend she was like all the other kids. It was hard though; it was like her mind was made of filing cabinets and when she was asked a question, she went to the right cabinet but she grabbed the wrong file. She had three ways of "fitting in"- she would not talk, she would not answer questions, and she would keep her face blank.

If she didn't say anything, then they couldn't make fun of her.

With her plan in hand, Brittany began middle school at the only one in all of Lima. Brittany's life changed forever that first week of school, although she didn't know it at the time. That's the week a small Latina named Santana Lopez wormed her way into her life. Contrary to popular belief, Brittany and Santana were not instantly friends. Brittany learned a long time ago that no one wanted to be her friend and so, even at her new school, she kept to herself. This system worked perfectly well until she was paired up with a boy named Noah in English class and he told everyone about how she misspelled almost everything she wrote on the page. Within a week, the students at her new school picked up where the students at her old school left off and Brittany spent her lunches in the bathroom.

One day while Brittany sat in the corner of the bathroom thinking about whether or not she'd have to walk home (it depended on what her mom's schedule was) the door burst open and a small girl dashed into the bathroom.

"Estupido, estupido, estupido. What do they know? Me llamo Santana Lopez. Those people don't know nada." (Stupid, stupid, stupid. What do they know? My name is Santana Lopez. Those people don't know anything.) Brittany froze and tried to remain still as the strange girl took a deep shuttering breath that seemed to be one stop short of crying. "They'll see. No one makes a joke out of me. They-" It was the girl's turn to freeze and Brittany couldn't help but try to shrink back in her corner. The brunette whipped around and with a growl demanded, "Who are you?"

Brittany blinked in response and remained silent. "Well?" The smaller girl reiterated, frowning.

"B-B-Brittany." Brittany managed to stutter out.

"Well, B-B-Brittany, you didn't see anything okay? So you better not tell anyone." With that, the girl turned around and stormed out of the bathroom.

Over the next few weeks, Brittany learned through observation that the strange-bathroom girl was called Santana and that she was new too. Unlike Brittany though, she quickly made friends with people like Noah Puckerman and Matt Rutherford. Every once in a while, Brittany would catch Santana looking at her critically, as though afraid that the blonde would tell someone about what happened in the bathroom.

For months, Brittany struggled through school by herself. Her grades were abysmal and her teachers tried to convince her mom to put her in special ed., or at least hold her back a grade, but her mom refused. At home, her mom always looked at her with disappointed eyes that often turned to frustration at her daughter's antics. Luckily for her mom though, her little sister Katie was showing early signs of being a genius.

So it was just Brittany that was a screw up.

Noah Puckerman, who by their third month of school wanted to be called "Puck", decided to trip Brittany one day when she was about to walk home. Brittany fell hard, her knee scraping against the concrete and tears springing to her eyes. She was about to pick herself up and get the heck out of there when suddenly Puck yelped in pain. Santana looked pretty smug when she said, "Picking on a girl Puck? Wow, your reputation will slip so fast..."

Puck scowled and walked away rubbing his head while Santana, still smirking, turned back towards Brittany. Brittany found a hand extended toward her and hesitantly looked up at her savior. Not accepting the help, she stood up and tried not to wince when she put weight on her cut up leg. Santana dropped her hand, looked around, and then muttered, "Puck sucks sometimes." before walking away.

Brittany stared after her for a minute before forcing herself to shake it off. After all, the look in Santana's eyes clearly said, "Now we're even." So, Brittany didn't expect anything else from her. As the months went by though, a tentative friendship formed between Brittany and Santana. It started with an occasional "Hey." or with pairing up in class when Santana didn't have a better option. Eventually though, Brittany found herself about to walk home on the last day of sixth grade when Santana stopped her.

"We'll see each other this summer, right?"

Brittany nodded and allowed herself to give a small smile.

Santana frowned, not entirely convinced. "Pinky promise?"

Brittany clasped her pinky finger around Santana's immediately. "Pinky promise."

"Cool," Santana breathed with a smile. "See you around Britt-Britt."

As Brittany turned the corner on her walk, she saw out of the corner of her eye Santana getting into her mom's car saying what sounded like, "...that's my best friend Ma."

That day, Brittany walked home smiling.

Over the summer, Ms. Pierce decided Brittany needed to join a physical activity to get her excess energy out. Brittany didn't really know what that meant except that she got to join a dance class. Brittany loved to dance. To Brittany's instructor it was quickly evident that she was a natural and suddenly her once a week dance class turned into a three times a week advanced dance class. Brittany liked the fact that when she danced, she didn't have to think about anything except how to move her body. Another development over the summer was that Brittany's friendship with Santana grew even stronger than before. They hung out at the park or at Santana's house and Santana quickly became Brittany's favorite person, even if Brittany was hesitant to trust her completely.

Brittany also noticed that whenever Santana got close to her, like on the couch or on the swings, her stomach went all flip floppy and her heart sped up. But she pretended not to notice that.

With Santana's friendship and protection, Brittany's return to school was her least horrible yet. The student body quickly stopped making fun of Brittany with one glare from her shorter counterpart and for once, Brittany actually enjoyed lunch time. It didn't hurt though that the combination of intense dancing and puberty turned Brittany, seemingly overnight, from a lanky awkward girl to a tall woman with legs for days and a couple of curves. Even Puck now looked at Brittany with a smile (albeit a slimy one). Aside from the social aspect of school, Brittany still struggled daily to learn what everyone else seemed to absorb easily. Not wanting to seem stupid to Santana, Brittany often put of doing homework when she was over and then later had to stay up very late just to complete it.

As Brittany got older, boys became a factor that needed to be addressed. So, she allowed herself to gossip with the girls about them and helped make a ranking of the guys at school. However, she was entirely unprepared for the fact that as much as she was noticing the boys she was also noticing the girls. For every guy she admired for their rugged goods looks, there was a girl she admired for her supple curves. Highest on her own (very private) list in her head was Santana. Brittany knew her mother's opinion on matters such as girls liking her girls though and so she kept her confusion and feelings to herself.

In fact, Brittany kept her confusion and feelings about everything to herself usually.

When a fellow dancer called her fat, she felt so upset about it she didn't eat for three days.

When her dad didn't even send her a birthday card, she spent the day in a tree.

When her mom missed her dance recital (her very first with a solo) to take her sister to a little genius' seminar, she took a shower so hot that her skin turned red.

When a guy crept into her tent at cheer camp to make out, and then took it a step farther, she ran 5 miles.

When Santana kissed her the summer before Freshman year and then pretended like it meant nothing, she didn't smile or speak for a week.

Her mask that she used was good though. With the smile painted on her face, who would think she was high? With the exuberant attitude she carried herself with, who would notice the cuts lining her skin?

And if anyone asked her about the cuts? She was scratched by her cat because she tried to make him stop smoking. And everyone would believe her because she's Brittany- the dumb one, the blond, the daffy but loveable sidekick.

Not that anyone would ask, anyway.


	2. Welcome to My Life

AN: So, I'm continuing it! Updates should come about once a week, but it could take a little longer because each update will be a solid chapter. Thank you for everyone who took the time to review, favorite, or follow this story. It meant a lot to me. For those of you waiting for Brittany's happy ending, it won't be for a while because just like in life, there's always a journey before an end. This chapter is a day during Sophomore year before the Unholy Trinity joins glee club. As always, enjoy and let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or the characters from it. The title of this chapter comes from the song by Simple Plan, which I also do not own.

"Brittany! Wake up!" Brittany groaned at the intrusive voice of her mother and turned her head further into her pillow. Sleep was such a sweet thing. She just wanted five more min- "Brittany Susan Pierce! You're going to be late! Remember, I offered to drive you today? You're going to make your sister late!"

Sighing, Brittany slowly sat up in her bed and stretched her arms up towards the ceiling. Her head was pounding and her eyes begged to be closed again. Maybe staying up until four in the morning working on homework she most likely failed anyway wasn't such a good idea. But that make out session with Santana yesterday had been pretty hot and well...Brittany was human. Why on earth would she stop sweet, sweet lady kisses for homework?

Brittany tried to figure out why she was waking up this way, to the sound of her mom's voice and not to the ringing of her annoying alarm clock, and it took a couple of minutes before she remembered that her mom, in a bout of giving, decided to drive her to school today. She squinted at her alarm clock and frowned when she noted that even for her morning Cheerios practice, she was up super early. One hour of sleep was enough to function on, right? Brittany stumbled out of bed and immediately began changing into her uniform. She glanced at her arms quickly and let out a sigh of relief at what she saw. It could be a short sleeve day today.

Once properly dressed in red, with the correct hair do to match, Brittany grabbed her bag of homework and went to get breakfast from the kitchen. Her mom sat at the table, a cup of coffee and the newspaper in her hands. Unused to her mom being in the kitchen at the same time as her, Brittany walked cautiously across the tiles, feeling like a ninja. Mission? Operation Lucky Charms. She had just grabbed the box and a bowl when her mom sighed behind her. "I don't know why I even buy that cereal...it's nothing but sugar." Her mom ran her eyes over Brittany and asked, "Have you been dancing less honey? Maybe you should stay away from those empty calories."

Brittany gulped back the unpleasant feeling that suddenly took over her body in a wave and slowly placed her favorite breakfast back on the shelf where she got it. Lucky Charms had been her go to breakfast since she was five (after THAT day, her mom had given in to the treat). Maybe her mom was right though. She had never seen Quinn eat Lucky Charms and Santana said in freshman year that Quinn was Queen Bee. Obviously that meant she was doing something right. Brittany was in the middle of trying to figure out whether she had ever seen Quinn eat a banana (because Brittany saw one on the counter and she was hungry) when Katie entered the kitchen.

"Alright mom, I'm ready to go."

Have you got your chess board to practice with?" Their mom asked, putting her paper away as she did so.

Katie rolled her eyes. Brittany was pretty sure that she hadn't done that to their mom, or anyone really, when she was ten. Katie had long ago realized that she was the prize, the golden child, and since then she had a change in attitude. Around the same time, she realized that she was way smarter than her big sister and made sure to tell Brittany as much. "Yes mom. Of course I do."

"Inhaler? Notepad? Pen?" Ms. Pierce fired off one after the other, remaining in her seat and eyeing her youngest daughter. Brittany sometimes wondered if her mom and sister forgot she existed. It was far more likely than her invisibility theory she had when she was younger.

"GOD mom, yes, okay? Now can we go?" Katie asked, crossing her small arms across her chest. Go? Go where? Brittany tried to piece together what her mom could possibly be asking Katie about, but she was unsuccessful. A chess board? Didn't she have school?

"Do you have something special today?" Brittany asked her sister curiously, tilting her head to the side as she did so.

"I think _you_ have something special everyday..." Katie mumbled. Brittany felt a blush flood her cheeks but she refused to let her sister see it. Instead she put on her blank face.

"It's Katie's chess tournament today Brittany, don't you remember?" When Brittany shook her head (because she couldn't recall her mom ever telling her that) her mom pursed her lips. "Really now Brittany, this is something very important for your sister...Speaking of which, we should be going."

Brittany stared longingly at the banana for a moment before shaking her head. She could just grab something to eat after Cheerios practice. She trudged after her mom and sister towards the car and when Katie climbed into the front seat automatically, Brittany couldn't even find it in herself to care. She was sure her mom would give it to Katie anyway.

The drive to McKinley was a quiet one. Well, for Brittany anyway. Ms. Pierce continually tried to engage Katie in conversation about her tournament, but the youngest Pierce had her headphones on and was facing the window defiantly. Brittany wondered if her mom even knew she was cheering in a football game tonight. Probably not. After what felt like an eternity to Brittany, they finally pulled up in front of McKinley.

Brittany opened the door eagerly and was almost out of the car when her mom spoke up. "You'll find your own ride home, right? I don't have time to be driving you around."

"Sure mom," Brittany responded, hopping out of the car as she did so. "Good luck Katie."

"I don't need luck," Katie responded confidently, apparently electing to hear Brittany's well wishes in spite of her headphones. "Those dweebs don't stand a chance."

"Okay, cool," Brittany replied, plastering one of her practiced smiles onto her face. "Have fun then."

While Katie rolled her eyes, Ms. Pierce pressed the button to shut the back door car and rolled down the front window. "Pay attention at school today, okay Brittany?" She smiled briefly before pulling out of the parking lot.

Brittany allowed her smile to slide off as she watched her mom drive away. "Love you too mom."

Brittany was really torn about whether or not she liked school. On the one hand, it meant she didn't have to be home, which was always a plus, and she got to see Santana (although that was also bad because Santana hurt in the most unstoppable way). On the other hand, she had to sit in classrooms most of the day and be around people who had expectations for her. She could never just...be, you know?

She walked in through the Cheerios entrance to the school (something Sue had insisted on having since they had to get there so early and leave so late) and reveled in the relative silence of the hallways. Soon, the same hallways would be filled with her loud classmates. When Brittany got to the locker room, she expected it to be empty; after all, there was still twenty minutes until practice even started. But upon opening the door to the Cheerios only locker room, she found Quinn standing near one of the sinks. Quinn was definitely second when it came to the prettiest girls at school- right after Santana, in Brittany's opinion.

"Brittany," Quinn spoke, turning around to face her. "What are you doing here so early?"

Not wanting to explain, Brittany said the first excuse that popped into her head. "I think my alarm clock had a nightmare." Quinn blinked in response before shrugging and turning back towards the mirror. She was yet another person who bought Brittany's babbles as the truth.

"Well, I hope you brought your A-game today. Coach seems on a warpath."

"I also brought my C-game," Brittany joked with her face blank as she walked to her locker. Based on the lack of laughter, it was another joke of hers that went unnoticed. Once at her locker, Brittany grabbed her water bottle and refilled it at the water cooler in the corner. One could say that the McKinley Cheerios were spoiled; Brittany considered it compensation for their blood, sweat, and tears. She took a sip from her water bottle before putting it back in her locker for after practice and then decided that with her extra time, she might as well rest her very tired eyes. She laid back on the bench and, ignoring the pain she got due to her ponytail, closed her eyes in relief. She stayed like that for all of two seconds when Quinn's clear voice rang across the locker room.

"What are you doing?" Brittany slowly blinked her eyes back open and found Quinn staring at her with an expression of disbelief. "There's no time for sleeping here."

Groggily, Brittany realized that she was still hungry. "Do you like bananas?" She asked Quinn, looking for her approval of the fruit.

"Um...no?" Quinn responded with confusion. Brittany didn't understand why she was confused- it was a simple enough question, after all. However, she did understand the answer of no to her question. She checked bananas off of her mental list of approved foods. Just then, several other Cheerios entered the locker room and Brittany watched as Quinn assumed her role as HBIC. Anticipation built up in Brittany's stomach as she eyed the door because if others were coming in now that meant- _Santana_ was the only thought that filled her mind when the door swung open to reveal the Latina in her own red uniform. And while Brittany may hate the uniform on herself...well, seeing Santana in that skirt made the butterflies in her stomach extra fluttery.

"Hey Brit-Brit," Santana said easily as she walked up to her locker. She gave Brittany a smile and Brittany memorized it immediately to save in her memories. She loved Santana's smiles.

"Hey San," she replied, a small smile easily blooming on her face.

"Ready for practice?" Santana asked casually as she pulled her hair up into the standard do. Brittany knew she should be used to Santana's nonchalant attitude the day after making out, or doing other stuff, but it never failed to make her stomach drop a little bit. "You're not too sore from yesterday are you?"

When Brittany felt her eyes almost bug out of her head at the suggestion, Santana eye's widened a tiny bit too before returning to her locker in an attempt to be impassive. "From your dance class. You're not too sore from your dance class yesterday?"

Brittany felt her mouth drop into an "o" shape and couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that accompanied the realization. Of course she meant dance class. Why would Santana mean anything different? Forcing a smile onto her face, she replied, "I'm not too sore." Bone tired yes, but sore no.

"Okay, good. Ready to head in to the gym?" Santana asked as she closed her locker.

"Sure." Brittany responded, getting up from her bench and following Santana across the locker room. Brittany would probably follow Santana any where- and not just because then she had an awesome view of her ass.

Cheerios practice was mostly a blur for Brittany. She did flips, she supported pyramids, she did splits- all while valiantly fighting to stay mostly awake and not focus too much on her beautiful best friend. At one point she was doing a handspring in a way that she described as "on autopilot" when she realized that maybe she was more tired than she thought. The realization struck her when she crashed into a fellow Cheerio. She pushed herself off the ground, mentally assessing her body for any injuries before turning towards the other girl. "I'm so sorry."

The other girl scoffed and got up, walking over to join a group of Cheerios that were glaring at Brittany. Brittany slowly stood up all the way and stretched, knowing that she'd probably be sore later from this tumble.

"Hey! Tweedledumb! Was moving and breathing too hard for you to multitask today? You think that's hard, try being turned down by David Boreanez for a late night booty call- THAT'S HARD. I don't want to keep looking at this mediocrity! Practice is over for today! Q, Hot Tamale, Barbie, come here."

Brittany sighed as she shuffled over towards where Coach Sue stood with one hand on her hip and the other holding her megaphone. She felt Santana come up next to her before she saw her. But Brittany was too embarrassed by her fall to allow herself to look at the awesomeness that was Santana. "Are you okay Britt? That looked like a pretty hard fall."

"I'm fine," Brittany replied. It was her standard answer to any question regarding her well being. She could tell Santana was still looking at her but she ignored it, instead trying to prep herself for the further verbal lashing she was about to receive. Even though she should be used to her coach's harsh words by now every time she was called out by Sue it felt like another stab at her self confidence. They came to a stop in front of Coach Sue and Quinn joined them in a second next to Santana.

"You three are supposed to be my stars. Stars do not stumble. Stars also do not have a grade point average so low that they may not be academically eligible to compete if they continue to fail." Brittany was pretty sure Coach was directing those slams against her, but she wasn't entirely sure considering she refused to look up from her view of her feet. "Pierce, I'm talking to you." Well, that answered that. Brittany slowly raised her head to meet Sue's eyes and found them glaring at her. "If you don't get your act together Blondie, I'll have no choice but to kick you off the team."

Brittany felt Santana stiffen next to her and so she wasn't too surprised when Santana protested. "Coach, Brittany is our best dancer. You can't-"

"I can, and I will. I don't want to lose our advantage due to her freaky manipulations of her body, but if she's ineligible, she's off the team. See? She's not even if disagreeing with me." Sue replied, eyeing her Cheerios for a moment before ordering, "Get her up to standards." She then walked away without another word. Brittany stood in complete silence, feeling her jaw clench with shame. Yeah, she knew she was failing pretty hard core, but she hadn't exactly wanted Santana or Quinn to know how badly she was doing. As she expected, both Quinn and Santana immediately turned towards her. Brittany refused to meet their questioning eyes.

"Britt, why didn't you tell me you were having problems?" Santana questioned. So she was being good cop today, that meant Quinn would be...

"You need to do better. You can't screw up all of our hard work." Bad cop. Apparently Quinn was so upset with Brittany's failures, she couldn't stand to be in the same room as her because by the time Brittany looked up, Quinn was already on her way back to the locker room. Santana however was still there, eyes questioning.

"It's not a big deal," Brittany lied. Maybe if she was nonchalant about it, Santana wouldn't worry about it. Santana worried so much about so many things, Brittany didn't want herself added to that list.

"Britt..." Santana began before she shook her head. "You'll tell me if you need help, right?"

"Right," Brittany replied, smile painted on.

Santana seemed to buy it though and responded, "Okay. Well how about I come over tonight after the game? We can hang out, watch a movie, maybe I can help you come up with a study strategy?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," Brittany said with a genuine smile. Sometimes, Santana just stole all of her words away. She was that amazing.

"Alright, let's go get ready for another day of prison then," Santana announced, giving Brittany a wink as she walked towards the locker room. Brittany followed her, not bothering to chuckle because inside her head it was prison every day.

Brittany liked to think of her classmates in relation to the animal kingdom. As she walked through the hallway, she saw the various animals in various forms of distress. There were the lions (the jocks), prowling the grounds for those weak antelope (the nerds), and trying to impress the lionesses enough to encourage them to mate with them. Such as one Noah Puckerman was doing with Santana in front of Brittany's locker.

(Brittany was pretty sure that in this animal kingdom, she was a bush baby. You know, the monkeys with really big eyes? She was small, not very important, and with eyes that caught everything.)

Every time Brittany saw Santana with Puck, it was like a million pointy sticks poked her all over her body and a hand was squeezing her heart. This feeling gave Brittany another reason to dislike Puck- the first reason being that horrible humiliation he subjected her to all those years ago. She had even tried hooking up with Puck at one point to see if it would make her like him any better but if anything it just made her feel worse when she saw him. She contemplated walking up to her locker and getting them to move but decided that it wasn't worth it. She just wouldn't bring her books to her first couple of periods.

Brittany spun around and worked her way through the halls towards her first class. She couldn't help but wince when she saw that Rachel Berry girl get slushied and was glad that her friendship with Santana prevented that from ever happening to her. (In the animal kingdom, Rachel Berry was the grass that even the antelopes ate. A necessary part of the ecosystem, but the lowest possible part). When Brittany got to her first class of the day (English), her teacher looked up at her in confusion. Brittany ignored the look and went to her desk to sit down. Maybe she could sleep for a couple of minutes...

Apparently she closed her eyes for more than a couple of minues because next thing she knew her teacher was standing over her, clearing his throat, and saying, "Miss Pierce..." Brittany squinted up at her teacher in confusion before she noticed that he was holding their essays from last week. She gulped because although she stayed up really late working on hers, she didn't have time to have her tutor look over it. "Miss Pierce I think it's time you got a tutor."

He placed her paper on her desk face down and moved on. Brittany was pretty sure she knew her grade on this essay but just to be sure, she flipped her paper over. Forcing back tears, she stared at the large "F" adorning the top of her paper along with a note advising her to get help. Brittany forced back tears because she _was_ getting help and god, her mom was going to kill her for this grade and Coach would kick her off the team and Santana would be sad and Quinn would be mad and...Brittany just couldn't do it.

She forced herself to sit through her first two periods without showing how much she was breaking. Using her blank mask, she was completely silent for the rest of English and chemistry. By break, she knew she needed something to calm her down and so she went to the flip side of her feelings for Puck: relief. She walked up to where Puck was talking with some of his jock buddies and tapped him on the arm. He turned around in surprise but a smirk settled on his lips when he saw who it was. "Oh hey Britt."

"Can we go to your dumpster?" She asked him, skipping all formalities to get to the good stuff. He nodded, said goodbye to his friends, and then walked with her through the halls. They didn't talk and they both knew better than to walk by where Santana was sure to be by her locker.

When they made it to Puck's dumpster out behind the school, Puck turned to her and questioned, "What do you want?"

"Do you have a joint?" Brittany asked, leaning against the wall because the world felt kind of heavy on her shoulders today. Puck nodded, fumbling in his pockets until he succeeded in pulling out a partially smoked joint and a lighter. He lit it up and took a hit before passing it over to Brittany. She had no intention of passing it back to him and instead continued to take hit after hit. She could feel Puck's eyes on her so she eventually asked, "What?"

"Look, Brittany, you know I'm not one to judge..." Brittany felt herself freeze. Holy crap, what did Puck know? "But if you keep coming to me for pot this often, you're going to need to start paying me something."

Brittany blew out a stream of air, relief flooding through her body. She could feel the pot starting to make her mind heavy and less active so she gave him a fake smile and replied, "Okay."

Puck stayed outside with her, which Brittany didn't entirely understand, until the bell rang. Then Brittany snubbed out the little that was left of the joint and handed it to Puck before heading in towards class, book-less once again. The pot didn't really hit her until part way third period when suddenly Brittany was incredibly intrigued by her hand and Jacob Ben Israel's hair. She walked into her fourth period (Spanish) giggling at a joke Santana had told her days ago. She collapsed down into her seat next to a confused looking Santana.

"Britt...are you high?" Santana hissed, her eyes narrowing. Like a cat, Brittany decided.

"Like a cat. Wait, no, a kite. Like a kite in the sky," Brittany responded with a nod before deciding that nodding made her brain feel like it was bouncing so she continually moved her head side to side to see if it was moving.

"I'm going to kill Puckerman..." Santana mumbled before asking her, "How are you supposed to improve your grades when you're too high to actually learn anything?"

Brittany felt a stone drop in her stomach, making her feel sick. Didn't Santana understand that she had tried everything to learn and she just couldn't? Didn't she understand that being high made her feel better? "Maybe the view from up here will help me. Why are you being so mean?"

"I'm sorry that me caring is 'being mean' Brit, but if you keep going like this you're going to end up off the squad with no friends," Santana replied in a hushed tone.

"But we're best friends forever..." Brittany whispered, watching as Santana turned her attention to the teacher and was electing not to hear it. Brittany frowned for a moment before putting on her blank mask for the rest of the period, wondering if she did it enough if her face would get stuck that way.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur of gray. Only snippets stuck out. Like when she had the munchies during lunch but Quinn's judging eyes looked at her Cheetos with disgust and Brittany put back the only food she had had all day. She ended up drinking Sue's Master Cleanse. Or when Santana purposefully didn't talk to her once during history class. Or when a senior Cheerio on the squad glared at Brittany in the hallway.

After school, Brittany knew she had two hours before she had to be in the locker rooms for their pre-game stretches so she headed to the library, intent on trying to do damage control with her massive amounts of homework. The high she had earlier had almost completely worn off by then.

Two hours later, she left the library with letters swimming around her head and frustration eating away at her. She had only gotten done one assignment out of many.

The football game passed like all the others did. The Cheerios cheered, the football players lost. Brittany was pretty sure the football team had never won a game. Back in the locker room after the game, Brittany felt absolutely exhausted but she was excited (and also terrified) that Santana was coming over to hang out. She quickly got changed into Cheerios sweats and waited impatiently for Santana to appear at her locker next to her.

She waited for almost half an hour without a sight of her darker best friend. Just then her phone went off. She checked the screen and upon seeing it was a text from Santana, she opened it immediately.

"B, puck wanted 2 go on a date. Cnt come over 2nite. I will txt u later. xSan"

Brittany felt disappointment wash over her body. Santana was canceling on her...for Puck? That was definitely worse than if Santana had canceled on her for a different reason because she knew that Santana would probably sleep with Puck tonight which meant that his hands got to be all over her body. A body that Brittany wanted sole rights to explore. But that would never happen. She felt sad, she felt disappointed, and she even felt a little bit angry.

She went to leave, only to remember that she was going to ask Santana for a ride home. Well, since that was evidently not going to happen now, Brittany began the long walk back home. She kind of wished it would rain so that the weather would match her mood, but instead it was a perfectly nice night. A little nippy, but not too bad.

Eventually Brittany trudged up the steps to her house and quietly opened the front door with her key. When she walked in she saw a trophy sitting on the table (her sister must have won) and her mom sitting on a chair reading a book. Apparently she hadn't opened the door quietly enough because her mom looked up when Brittany entered the house.

The first words out of her mother's mouth were, "Your English teacher called."

Brittany gulped but kept her face otherwise blank. She wouldn't let her mom's angry eyes get to her. She wouldn't.

"He said that you're currently failing his class. Brittany, I am so disappointed in you. Are the tutors not enough of an expense? Do you enjoy pushing my limits of patience? Today was supposed to be all about your sister and her victories, but instead part of the day had to be me thinking about your failures. How is that fair to your sister, hm? Brittany, answer me!" Her mom ranted, getting more and more frustrated the longer Brittany stayed silent.

Finally, all Brittany could stutter out were two simple words. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for being a disappointment. I'm sorry for being a failure. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted mom.

Her mom sighed, "You should be sorry. Go on up to your room. From now on you're grounded. You need to focus more on your school work and less on your social life. You will go to school, go to dance, and be here doing homework and that's it."

Brittany nodded, blinking back tears that she refused to let fall and practically sprinted up the stairs. As she passed Katie's room, the ten year old shouted at her, "Man, you screwed up!"

Brittany got into her room and closed the door before dropping to the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest. She would not cry because of these people. She would not cry because of Coach Sue or Quinn or Santana or her mom or anyone else. She wouldn't.

She just felt so, so tired of all of this. When she went into the bathroom to wash her face in an attempt to focus her erratic breathing, Brittany saw it sitting there on her shower shelf. It was clean, shiny. It was a distraction. Without even thinking about it, Brittany pulled her razor off the shelf.

Tomorrow would be a long sleeve day.


	3. Beautiful Disaster

AN: Hey guys! I'm so so sorry it has taken this long to get this to you all- hopefully this chapter was worth the wait. I got the flu and it put me out of commission. I couldn't even string a sentence together if I tried and then I had to catch up on my summer school class that I missed due to being sick. There was also some other stuff that went down so...basically, I couldn't write. School started too. Anyway, I have an idea of where this all is going and I'm pretty stoked for it. This chapter is set during "Preggers" (so Season 1, Episode 4). So far the story has stayed within Glee-verse and it will continue to do so until graduation-ish; it will probably go in a different direction than the show went after that. For those of you who have reviewed, favorited, or followed, thank you very much. They made my day. Keep 'em coming! Anyway, as always, read and enjoy. Can you spot the Gilmore Girls reference?

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters on it. I also do not own the song from which I borrowed the title for this chapter- that belongs to Jon McLaughlin.

"Shit shit shit shit..." Brittany murmured, throwing her clothes all over her room. Where the hell had she put her white under armor? Her arms were definitely not okay for her sleeveless uniform but she was already running late. Why did this have to happen today? She could always just wear her Cheerio letterman jacket, but she'd be forced to take it off when it came time for the football game and Coach would kill her if she wasn't wearing the white long sleeved shirt like the rest of the squad. Did she have a spare under shirt at school? She glanced at the clock and frowned when she saw the time. Shit.

"Guess I'm going in my letterman..." Brittany muttered to herself, pulling on her Cheerios top reluctantly. She then put on her jacket and pulled her hair up into a high ponytail. She grabbed her backpack from near her door, wincing when she remembered that after dance class last night she had been so exhausted that she fell asleep without doing her homework. Her mom was going to be pissed. Luckily, her mom had taken Katie to a genius seminar (okay, so maybe Brittany zoned out when her mom was bragging about some invitation Katie got to some prestigious event) so that meant her mom wouldn't be able to check with her teachers about her grade until tomorrow. She had twenty-four hours of sweet, sweet freedom. Sort of.

Kind of.

Brittany made sure she took her keys off of the counter and stuffed them in her backpack as she passed through the kitchen, not bothering to grab any food. Coach Sue had decided during the last week that their squad was weak and fat. As a result, MasterCleanse was instructed to be their only meals and Brittany for one was not going to go against her Coach's instructions when she could help it.

Once she was out the door, she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets and began speed walking to school. She could already feel a headache brewing but she ignored it and continued on her way. She wished briefly that she had her license already before she realized that having a license to drive wouldn't accomplish anything. (In what universe would her mom trust her with a car? In what universe could her mom afford to get her a car?)

The walk to school was familiar enough that Brittany didn't have to think about it if she didn't want to but the thing was...she did want to. Because if she wasn't thinking about walking then she had to think about other stuff. And other stuff always led to trouble for Brittany, whether that trouble came in the form of more cuts on her skin or whether that trouble came in the form of thoughts of Santana. Then again, Santana was always running through her mind. (So much so that one day, after nearly no sleep the night before, she almost asked Santana if she was so fit because of all the laps in her brain. Needless to say, she was incredibly grateful when Quinn interrupted before she could.)

Her alarm clock hadn't gone off for the time she had set (last time she bought something just because it was furry) so morning practice was already over for the day and school was just minutes away from starting when Brittany approached the front doors of McKinley. She had no doubt that Coach Sue would be pissed off at her for missing practice. She walked up to her locker and attempted to put her combination in but failed. Frowning, she tried again, but her lock refused to budge.

"Britt!" She heard Santana call as she was about to begin her third attempt. When she looked up, Santana was walking towards her, thankfully minus Quinn. Brittany really didn't want to start her school day being chewed out by the head cheerleader. She tried to manage a small smile towards Santana but her attempt didn't last long because as soon as she saw the frown lines marring her lov-frien-best- her Santana's face she dropped her face back into it's blank mask. "Why weren't you at practice? Coach was pissed. Quinn was, strangely, not. She didn't seem all there though."

"My alarm clock didn't go off on time," Brittany replied with a half-truth, turning back to her locker. It would probably help her grades if she actually brought her books to class. Well, it wouldn't hurt her grades at least. Brittany could feel Santana's eyes on her and it really didn't help her concentration on the task at hand. She heard Santana sigh.

"Do you need help?" Brittany could practically feel the blush spread up from her neck to the tips of her ears as she nodded. God. She couldn't even open her locker without help. No wonder people thought she was stupid. Santana reached over her to get to her lock and Brittany held her breath when the Latinas arm nearly brushed her boobs. Instead of actually touching them though, Santana quickly turned the lock and pulled the locker open.

"There. Easy." Santana said with a slight smile towards Brittany but, if anything, it made the blonde feel worse. Easy. Yeah. "Are you going to the party at Azimio's tonight?"

"Yup." Brittany replied monotonously, searching through her locker to see if maybe her undershirt had ended up in there. (How it would, she didn't know, but she thought that maybe she should check there anyway.)

"So the dragon is finally letting you leave home, eh?" Santana chuckled. Brittany watched out of the corner of her eyes as the brunette turned to the mirror in her locker to apply lip-gloss. Oh how Brittany envied that lip-gloss.

"What?" She replied, momentarily distracted. She watched as Santana's eyebrows furrowed and the smaller girl once more turned her eyes towards her.

"Your mom? Haven't you been grounded?"

"Oh, yeah. She doesn't know I'm going," Brittany replied, forcing her mind to leave the gutter it had taken residence in the minute she glanced at Santana's body. It was a half-truth, which really was all Brittany felt like she ever told anymore.

"Nice one Britt. Can you believe that Ladyface is playing in the game tonight? Puck said he can only play if he listens to the Single Ladies song. How gay is that? Like, I mean, just _flaming_."

Ignoring the panic she felt when Santana talked about anything having to do with homosexuality, the blonde remarked, "Well, Kurt's really loose when he gets into a song. Maybe that helps how he plays. When I was at his house, he-"

"Wait, hold up. You went to Lance Bass' house?" Santana asked, her face screwed up in what Brittany believed to be confusion and disgust.

"He wanted help with his dancing," Brittany replied with a shrug. In all honesty, she had no clue why Kurt asked her. They had never spoken before and she only usually saw him during Glee. In fact, she only agreed to help him because she was high at the time and didn't want to make poor Bambi cry. When she realized what she had promised though, she saw no reason to back out of it except for her own fear. Turns out, the only thing she had to fear was Santana finding out- after all, even with her arms on full display, no one noticed.

"Yeah well…you shouldn't go getting all buddy-buddy with the Glee kids, alright? The whole point of us being there is to spy for Coach Sue." The bell rang as Santana finished speaking, so Brittany regretfully closed her locker, having not found her undershirt. She watched as Santana closed her locker as well before turning to her. The Latina seemed to be thinking about something intently, but then she shook her head and said, "I'll see you later, B."

Brittany watched as Santana walked away, the movement of her legs making the material of her Cheerios skirt ride up a little bit… Brittany realized she was perving out pretty bad so she hurriedly walked to her classroom.

In her classes, Brittany tried to pay attention. She really did. It was just so damn hard sometimes. Like, she'd be telling herself to pay attention and then she'd get distracted and not realize it until she missed something important. Then, because she missed something important, she couldn't understand the rest of the lesson. It sucked. It was like a vicious cycle.

Most of her teachers were used to her less than stellar performance and no longer offered extra help to her. Now that she was in Glee though, she noticed that Shuester would give her sad disappointed eyes whenever he graded one of her Spanish quizzes. (Brittany's not quite sure what he expected. If she can't even pass English, her native language, what hope did she have for a foreign language?)

At lunch, Brittany was going to the cafeteria when she ran into (like, literally) Quinn. Shaking out her distracting thoughts, Brittany winced, "I'm sorry Quinn."

Quinn didn't respond and instead kept speed walking out of there. Frowning in confusion, Brittany decided to follow her because Santana was right. Something was definitely up with the head Cheerio. She walked a couple of paces behind the shorter blonde until Quinn turned into the bathroom. Hesitating for a moment, she watched as a slew of girls rushed out of the bathroom. (Knowing Quinn, she probably ordered them out.)

Upon entering the bathroom, Brittany heard the distinct sound of someone throwing up and she couldn't help but wrinkle her nose in response. She hesitated for a moment, unsure whether she should try to help or leave, before she slowly called out, "Quinn? It's me, Brittany…are you sick?" Brittany personally was hoping Quinn was sick because…well, if someone like Quinn had to resort to these tactics in order to stay on top of the hierarchy then there was no hope for girls like Brittany. Even though Brittany was starting to think that she was eating so little that she wouldn't have anything to throw up anyway.

Brittany stayed by the sink, knowing that Quinn probably wouldn't want her to try to go in the stall with her (at least, that's how Brittany would feel in this situation). She heard a flush before the stall door swung open and Quinn stepped out, straightening her uniform with her hands. She didn't even look at Brittany as she walked to the sink and washed her hands. Brittany remained silent, even as Quinn gripped the sink and closed her eyes for a long moment. Hesitantly, Brittany spoke, "Are you-"

"This didn't happen," Quinn spat harshly. Brittany's mouth was still slightly parted, the 'okay' she had meant to ask dying on her lips. "You can't tell anyone that this happened."

"Quinn-" Brittany attempted to say because, hey, she cared. A rarity, she knew, but she cared about other people and something was definitely not okay.

"Shut up. Just shut up, okay? Nothing happened. Okay?" Quinn spoke quickly, glaring at the mirror but not looking up at Brittany at all. Without waiting for an answer, Quinn walked out of the bathroom. Brittany watched her go with a frown on her face. Sorry for caring.

Brittany walked out of the bathroom, contemplating getting something from Puck to stop all these negative thoughts in her head before deciding she didn't want to risk getting caught by Santana or Sue on a game day. She just…she just felt down, you know? Like her head was submerged and she was seconds away from drowning, even though nothing was particularly wrong and this day wasn't particularly different.

The rest of the day went by painfully slow, but Brittany couldn't tell you what happened during those last couple of hours if she tried. It was nothing important, anyway (well, except the bits with Santana in it…those were always important. Like when she mouthed words while writing them or when she- wait, she's rambling). When the bell rang for the end of the period, Brittany walked out of the room and decided she'd go to her locker. Before she could though another Cheerio stepped in her path and stood in front of her, arms crossed. She didn't speak though.

"Um…yeah?" Brittany asked, her brow furrowing against her will. The other Cheerio (Laura? Lauren? Brittany wasn't actually sure.) rolled her eyes.

"Coach Sue wanted me to give you a message." The girl replied, eyes glaring and mouth snarling. As if it was Brittany's fault Sue chose this girl to deliver some message to her. They stood there blinking awkwardly at each other before the other girl rolled her eyes again and huffed. "She said that Quinn and she talked about how you missed practice today. She also said that she hopes you're in a self harming mood because you're going to be running suicides before the game tonight to compensate for missing practice."

Brittany felt her brain and body freeze at the mention of self-harm, while her heart went into overdrive. What? Out loud she choked out, "What?"

For a third and final time the other Cheerio rolled her eyes. "Coach is pissed at you for missing practice. You have to run suicides." As the other Cheerio walked off, Brittany heard her mutter, "Dumbass." Brittany felt her jaw clench but forced herself to walk towards Coach Sue's office, where the older blonde would surely be waiting.

Talking with Coach Sue always made Brittany feel really…small. Like an ant, with a huge person towering over them, poised to step on it. Sure enough, after getting told by her coach that she was disappointing her (pretty much one of the worst insults Coach Sue had ever given her), she left her office feeling shorter.

The Cheerio who had given her the message hadn't been lying when she said Brittany would be running suicides. Coach Sue walked her out to the football field and told Brittany to start running. So, Brittany ran. And ran. And ran. Brittany was usually good at running but she had been feeling so drained lately and so running felt like a particularly exhausting task. With all the laps she ran, she felt like that guy in Greek mythology who kept pushing up a boulder on a never ending hill. Or like a hamster on a wheel.

Finally, Coach Sue called out, "Barbie, your running form is horrendous and I don't want to look at it anymore! Plus, there's some rule the school made against me to let me students have time to have meals…ridiculous! Get out of my sight! I expect you to be ready for the game by 6- that means your uniform better be correct!" From her spot on the track, doubled over wheezing, Brittany watched as Coach Sue walked off scowling and shaking her head. Right…her uniform. For her run, she had been allowed to wear shorts and a long sleeved shirt she had lying around in her locker, but she knew that for the game her coach was expecting her to be matching the other cheerleaders.

Slowly forcing her body upright, Brittany began to stretch her body out of habit, just as her dance instructors had taught her. Brittany may not know a lot of stuff, but she did know that she needed to keep her body functioning in order to get out of this place. The walk up to the locker room was definitely not that fun- her legs burned, she hadn't caught her breath yet, and she was freezing where the wind blew against her dried sweat. When she finally made it to the Cheerios locker room, she showered quickly, not wanting to see her body but getting all of the grime off.

When Brittany got out of the shower, she grabbed a towel and walked slowly towards her locker. On her way, she froze when she caught sight of Quinn's locker slightly ajar. Brittany walked towards the head cheerleader's locker, intent on closing it for the smaller blonde, when she saw Quinn's spare white under armor in the locker. Could she…? No, stealing was wrong. But if she didn't…She was just borrowing it. That's all. She would put it back later. It was borrowing…without permission. Before she could think too much on the matter, Brittany grabbed the white under armor and slammed Quinn's locker shut.

After changing into her uniform plus the under shirt, Brittany looked at the clock and knew she had half an hour or so to kill. Instead of eating, Brittany fished around Puck's hiding spot (a shelf in the janitor's closet) and found a cigarette and one of his lighters. One cig won't hurt anything, Brittany thought. Although she much preferred getting high, a cigarette was her fallback option.

Brittany stubbed out her cig after a few drags because she heard the voices of her teammates coming into the school to get to the locker room. She walked into the locker room to join them, plastering on a fake smile even as some rolled their eyes at her. She knew the only reason they put up with her was because of Santana and Quinn. Brittany felt someone poke her side and nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Santana chuckle, "Hey there stranger. Welcome back to planet Earth." Santana said it with a smile, so Brittany relaxed. Santana wasn't making fun of her, just pointing out that she had been zoning out.

"Hey San," Brittany replied, stretching her arms a bit seeing as she had nothing else to do. She watched as Santana wrinkled her nose cutely.

"Jeez Britt, were you smoking?" Santana questioned, pulling her ponytail tighter. Brittany shrugged, not wanting to commit to an answer, and heard Santana sigh. The Latina reached into her Cheerios duffle and handed Brittany a piece of gum. "Here, at least chew this. You've gotta be more careful, B. I don't know what's gotten into you lately."

Brittany shrugged again, because she didn't know either. Then she started chewing the gum Santana gave her and forced herself to not spit it out. It was cinnamon- far spicier than the blonde usually liked. But it was so, so Santana. (It also tasted way better diluted and on the other girls breath than on a stick in her mouth.) Quinn came into the locker room then and Brittany felt herself unintentionally holding her breath as the smaller blonde opened her locker. However, when the other girl finished at her locked without saying a word, Brittany forced herself to unclench her muscles.

"You okay Britt?" She heard Santana asked. When she turned to the brunette, the girl was watching her with…concern?

"Alright sloppy babies, time to go out and cheer for the losers. I expect perfection!" Coach Sue announced to the locker room, saving Brittany from having to come up with an answer. Was she okay? She didn't even know anymore.

The game was actually semi- entertaining to cheer for. The team danced the "Single Ladies" and Kurt won the game. It was pretty awesome; Brittany had never cheered for a winning team before.

When the game ended, Brittany followed Santana into the locker room actually feeling fairly elated. Everyone around her was practically euphoric with the unexpected win and Brittany was sure that the party tonight was going to be banging. She felt her heart flutter when Santana turned her head back towards her and gave her a cheeky grin, dimples and all. When they got to the locker room, smiles and laughter was heard all around. Really all of the Cheerios were just collecting their stuff- they all usually just wore their uniforms to the after parties.

Brittany ended up getting a ride to the party with Santana and a couple of other Cheerios. The other Cheerios chatted noisily in the back seat while Santana remained silent while driving, chancing a glance over to Brittany every once in a while. Brittany pretended not to notice, even as it made her heart beat faster. When they got to Azimio's, Brittany really wanted to reach over and take Santana's hand because- holy crap- this was practically the whole town's teenager population moving in and out of the house while music pulsated through the night air and Brittany didn't want to lose her in the crowd.

Brittany followed Santana through the crowd of people in the front yard and squeezed her way past two people trying to hook up in the doorway to get into the house. (Briefly Brittany wondered how late they were that the party was already in full swing before she shook it off and decided to just have fun.) She looked for Santana but frowned when she realized that in her lapse of paying attention she had somehow lost track of the girl. She wandered around for a while, not really talking to anyone and not accepting any of the drinks some of the football players tried to shove at her (she wasn't _that_ stupid).

When she walked into what appeared to have been a living room at one time, she froze when she saw Santana straddling a football player (he was one of Mike's friends…Matt? Mark?) and kissing him while his hands traveled down to something that was definitely not her waist. Brittany felt her heart hammer against her rib cage because…damn it. She would not cry. (Brittany had always been a frustrated/angry crier.) All of her plans to invite Santana over because they were both too drunk to drive, which might've lead to some sexy times, were immediately thrown out the window. She felt sick.

Brittany turned to walk away, her new plan consisting of her getting really drunk, when she walked straight into David Karofsky. Brittany had never really talked with him before and usually just thought of him as another member of the jock block, a fact that was reinforced by his buddy pushing him even farther into her. "Sorry," he mumbled. He looked at his friends who were giving him encouraging looks and then looked back at her, "Could I…could I maybe get you a drink?"

Although not very interested in Dave, Brittany was definitely interested in a drink so she shrugged. "Sure."

One drink turned into two, which turned into a different number that Brittany couldn't recall. The night passed in flashes. One second she's drinking. Then she's dancing with Dave, grinding against the boy even though he had no clue how to receive it. Then she's losing her top and watching Santana watch her. Then Santana's gone, Brittany's not sure where and she misses her. Then she's in a bedroom.

Dave is kissing her roughly and Brittany allows him, her head cloudy, and she feels like she's underwater. She lays down on the bed lazily, watching as he struggles to unclasp his jeans. (She briefly wonders if this is his first time. Based on his sweaty hands, she would guess so.) He looks like he's unsure what to do, so Brittany brings his hands up to her chest and hopes he gets the message. It sometimes feels nice when guys do that.

Kind of.

Not really.

He's still fumbling around when she sees him see her arms. Normally she'd freak out but at that moment she just laughed. And reached down to put her hand in his pants. When her hand met his flesh he hissed but Brittany noticed a distinct lack of…excitement on his part. Not that she was all that into this either, but still. Usually the guys she drunkenly hooked up with were all over her. She starts pumping anyway though because he's been nice to her all night and kept bringing her drinks and she didn't want to disappoint him.

After what feels like forever, he's starting to get hard but his eyes are closed and he looks like he's in pain. So, Brittany retracts her hand. He didn't seem to be having fun and she wasn't having fun. His eyes fly open and Brittany remains still on the bed. "I don wanna do this 'nymore," Brittany slurred slightly, finding the words in her mind and forcing them out the best she could. She watched as his cheeks grew flushed and he pushed himself away from her.

He looked so angry, both at himself and at her. Brittany felt bad for the giant teddy bear. "Don be saaaad Davey," she mumbled, trying to pat his arm. He shook her off and finished closing his jeans.

As he left the room, Brittany heard him yelling to his buddies, "You were right, she's a dumb slut."

Brittany closed her eyes on the bed because she was feeling dizzy and tired and sick and she wanted her Santana. Forcing herself off the bed, she stumbled up and out of the room in just her skirt and bra, ignoring the chuckles and heckles of her classmates. Their cheers and jeers echoed in her head as she stumbled home. Idiot. Whore. Slut. Dumbass. Easy. Stupid stupid stupid. It was her anthem that carried her to her house, when she realized she couldn't remember where she put her key. She climbed over her fence, scraping her still bare skin along the top, and forced her way through the back door.

She knew tomorrow would suck. She would be hung over, her mom would be back, she'd have to figure out a way to deal with her classmates, and it just…it was all too much sometimes, you know? To think about that kind of stuff. The future and whatnot.

Brittany flopped down onto her bed, only bothering to shrug out of her skirt, and pulled her covers up all the way over head. Maybe it was the alcohol in her system, or maybe it was the fact that she hadn't been so humiliated at a party in a long time, or maybe it was the fact that even while drunk she couldn't be happy, but for whatever reason, for the first time in a long time, Brittany allowed herself to cry.


	4. Cold Turkey

**AN**: Hey guys, long time, no update I know; hopefully this chapter can make up for the large time gap. I have had this chapter partially completed on my desktop since October. So to _p4tr1c14_ and everyone else who has been reading, I really do apologize. Good news: College apps are almost done so hopefully I'll have more time to devote to this fic. That being said, I will still probably update not as fast as either of us would like, but I will update as soon as I can. Thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing, following, and favoriting this story. This chapter is set in Season 1, from the Sectionals episode through the Power of Madonna episode. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas! For those who don't, happy reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters from Glee. I also do not own " Cold Turkey," that belongs to John Lennon.

It was silent for a moment after she admitted that she leaked the set list.

They all hated her, she could tell. She understood it; she hated herself too. She hadn't meant to leak the set list, she really hadn't. It was just…Sue asked her for it. Sue asked her for it after telling her that she was no longer eligible for ANY after school activity unless she got extra credit in one of her classes to boost her grade. Sue asked her for it after informing her that she could convince Brittany's history teacher to bump up her grade. Sue asked her for it and Brittany…maybe it was selfish, but Brittany really couldn't say no.

Brittany could feel Santana almost immediately pull away from where they had been standing and her heart broke a little bit when Santana said that her favorite part of the day was Glee. Great- now Santana was upset with her, again. Santana had already pretty much been ignoring her all week due to her "slip up". She just hadn't been thinking and…ugh. She didn't even want to think about that now.

She was so inside her head (berating herself over her choice that she didn't really have a choice in and her failures) that she almost missed when Finn strolled in with ideas she was sure he didn't come up with himself. She was doubly surprised though when her name was included in part of his "save the day" plan- although she knew that she and Mike were the best dancers.

She shuffled over to the other side of the room, where Mike, Matt, and Santana were already gathering. Santana, Brittany could tell, was purposefully avoiding eye contact with her. Matt tried to give Brittany a smile, but she refused to respond to it, memories of Santana's ass in his hands making her ears grow warm. Instead, she focused on giving Mike a fake smile. Mike was nice enough- he didn't talk very much and boy, could he dance. Mike was already talking about choreography and how on earth they could try to make it look cohesive.

Brittany gave input here and there, trying to catch Santana's eyes all the while. Her efforts were for naught though- the Latina would not meet her eyes. Eventually the four of them managed to come up with mostly workable choreography and then they realized that they had to teach it to the group (including Finn) in half an hour AND make it look good. Crap.

"Alright…so I guess we should just…get them in a group and explain it?" Mike asked uncertainly, glancing up at Brittany. Brittany shrugged, not really seeing a better option.

The next hour pretty much passed in a blur for Brittany- a blur during which a heavy feeling of disappointment remained in her chest for pretty much the whole time. She helped teach choreography to the group, then they had to preform after what seemed like no time at all. Brittany plastered on her fake smile and it didn't turn real until the results came out. They won. They won- Brittany hadn't done too much damage. For once, she felt a large smile grow on her face.

Brittany turned almost automatically, expecting subconsciously to end up hugging Santana, and instead found herself wrapped up in an embrace with Quinn. After Quinn released her, Brittany found herself in Mike's arms. She hugged him back lightly before trying to find Santana, but then they were being ushered off the stage and Miss Pillsbury was telling them to go back to the bus with a giant smile on her face.

Following her teammates down the hallways, Brittany craned her neck in an attempt to find Santana. All the blonde got for her efforts was a strained neck. She felt herself almost automatically follow Matt up the narrow stairs up onto the bus. She felt herself gulp when she caught sight of the Latina sitting in the back, fiddling with her phone on her lap. After working her way to the back while shooting fake smiles whenever addressed by someone, she eventually found herself next to Santana's seat.

"Hey…" Brittany breathed, waiting for a response. Slowly, Santana looked up in acknowledgement. "Mind if I sit next to you?"

She watched as the darker girl pursed her lips and clenched her jaw (as Brittany knew she only did when she was a mixture of stressed and frustrated). Slowly, Santana dropped her eyes and shrugged. "It's a free country Britt." Brittany slid into the seat, deciding that not getting an outright denial was a sign to continue.

The two sat in silence for several minutes and Brittany couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. Finally, Brittany quietly forced out, "Can we talk, S?"

"Talk about what?" Santana muttered, turning her stare out the window. "Talk about the fact that you leaked the set list? Talk about the fact that you told the whole Glee club about…" Santana looked quickly at the seats around them before turning back towards the window, "…our private life? I just…what, Brittany?"

Brittany flinched at the use of her whole name- Santana only ever used it if she was very angry, sad, or frustrated (Santana wasn't sad). She opened her mouth and closed it a couple of times, unsure how to even begin this conversation with Santana.

Was she supposed to tell Santana that her mom had hired her yet another tutor? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she was stoned on painkillers she found in her mom's room when she told the Glee club about their extra curricular (in bed) activities? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she was failing school? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she didn't want any of the guys that wanted her, she only wanted the soft curves Santana's body provided? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she had run out of fresh skin on her arms and while her cuts there were healing she was using her thighs?

Instead, Brittany took a deep breath and turned her eyes onto the back of the seat in front of her. The seat wouldn't judge. "I thought we could just…talk. Are you mad at me?"

"I-god, Britt, what kind of question is that?" Santana huffed and Brittany could just imagine the nostril flaring that went along with it. Brittany knew she was frustrating her, but she just couldn't seem to really connect- it was like, Brittany wanted them to communicate well, but mixed wires were preventing them from doing so. "What the hell has been up with you lately?"

Brittany licked her lips and decided that the only way she could avoid talking about that stuff was by talking about the stuff Santana originally wanted to talk about. "I was high. When I said that stuff on the party line, I was high and I know that it's still bad but I swear that I didn't mean to say it. It just came out."

She heard Santana sigh and curse under her breath in Spanish (the only Spanish words Brittany knew were the curse words). "Britt…look at me." Brittany turned her gaze towards Santana and found soft chocolate eyes looking at her. Then, Santana's eyes grew hard and she asked, "How often have you been getting high?"

Not wanting to lie to Santana, but also not really wanting to tell the truth, Brittany shrugged.

"Brittany."

"Why does it even matter San?" Brittany asked with a frown. She could tell immediately that she wouldn't like the answer when Santana squinted her eyes.

"Because it's dangerous in large amounts Britt! It's obviously fucking with your mind- you've been more out of it than usual. And I don't buy the bullshit 'dumb blonde' front you give everyone else. Alright? That's not you. So don't even try that with me." Santana hissed, her eyes roaming, ever cautious of their surroundings. Brittany had almost forgotten that they had classmates sitting a few seats a way. "Why the fuck are you even doing it that often?"

"I just…need it, okay?" Brittany responded quickly, before cursing herself for not thinking first. Great, now she sounded like a freaking drug addict. Fantastic.

"You do not NEED it. Shit, B." Santana stared at her for a good minute before shaking her head and crossing her arms. "Okay, we can fix this. Alright? You'll just…stop. Okay? No more getting stoned or…whatever. Okay?"

Although not sure about why Santana was giving her this plan, Brittany nodded. At least Santana was talking to her. Sure. She could stop getting high. How hard could it be?

Not being stoned sucked. Like really, really bad. Brittany was pretty sure she might've actually had withdrawal symptoms, it was that bad. Of course, she slipped up every once and a while, but she always tried to get back on the bandwagon. She wasn't an addict after all- she could quit whenever she wanted.

The only thing that kept her going was the fact that Santana would give her small smiles and link their pinkies every time they saw each other. She followed pretty much was Santana did- she gave the same reason for giving Mr. Shue the song, hell she even agreed to go on a double (was it considered a double?) date with Finn of all people.

If possible, Brittany felt almost as out of it now as she did when she was getting high daily. Not to mention the fact that she craved the feeling of not feeling so badly that sometimes she even resorted to cutting to keep her promise to Santana. (Cutting didn't count. She didn't need it. She could stop whenever she wanted to…she just didn't want to.)

Reality really wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. She was still made fun of. She still didn't know the answer to the teacher's question. She was still a disappointment to her mother. She was still not loved by Santana (at least, not in the way she yearned for). The only difference was that now she once again saw all of it perfectly clearly, without the drug-induced haze shielding her from the sting of some of it.

She felt like a pathetic puppy, with a soundtrack provided by Madonna.

During break one day she even went out by Puck's dumpster just to see if it still smelled like pot. (It didn't, but it did smell like some other questionable activities.) He found her there sitting against a wall with her head in her hands, trying to tell herself that she hadn't been addicted. She hadn't. After all, that would make her an addict. And she wasn't. Period. "Hey Pierce, haven't seen your fine ass around here in a while. Here to toke up?"

Brittany looked up to see Puck smirking at her and offering her a joint already lit. Forcing herself to not even inhale the (heavenly) smell, Brittany shook her head. "Nah, trying to quit."

"Want something to take the edge off then?" Puck asked, his brow furrowing in- was that concern? "You seem…I dunno, off, dude. Here, this might help." Puck fumbled around in his pockets for a minute before pulling out a cigarette.

Brittany hesitated for a moment before reaching for it. After all, Santana herself was known to have an occasional cigar (of course, Brittany also knew that she only did it with her dad, and only once in a while). Plus, it's not like Brittany would get high. Right? Right. "Got a light?"

"For you sweet cheeks? Any time." Puck winked and lit the end with his Zippo. Brittany took in a large inhale and held it. "So…don't you think this Madonna assignment is pretty lame?"

"You know, we don't have to do this thing," Brittany responded, taking another drag. When it was just her and Puck, Brittany didn't feel a need to keep up her front. They talked for one reason and one reason only.

"What thing?" Puck asked in confusion.

"This small talk thing." Brittany responded easily.

"Can't a man try to talk up the girl who's been stealing all of his good stash?" Brittany shrugged in response, which apparently was the green light Puck was looking for to keep talking. "I was just asking cuz I heard Sue is crazy into Madonna too and wants all of her Cheerios to date a younger guy. Well, the Puckasaurus is offering up his services." Brittany stared incredulously at his "charming" grin.

"You're not younger than me," she finally responded.

"Sure I am; my birthday's before yours," he answered confidently. "Think about it babe; we'd be great. Plus, Sue's looking for a new head cheerleader- think about how good you'd look if you followed her crazy ass instructions."

Brittany did think about it as she continued to take drags, but she wasn't thinking about it for herself; Brittany knew that one of Santana's dreams was to be head cheerleader. The only reason the Latina had held back before had been because of Quinn, but now Quinn was pregnant (and way prettier) and off the squad. Did Santana know that Sue was looking for a head cheerleader? Brittany could practically see it now: Santana would do her cocky grin before she'd roll her eyes and give Brittany a genuine smile, so happy to have been given the position. But how could Brittany help Santana win Sue's favor?

Brittany frowned when she realized who would be the only guy that would impress Coach Sue- Finn Hudson, the (for some reason) glue of Glee club. And there was no way Finn would agree to go on a date with Santana after the Breadsticks fiasco. But he might agree to… Brittany actually felt physically ill at the thought of his gigantic Pillsbury Dough Boy hands being anywhere near Santana's body. (She hadn't been granted access to the Latina's body since before her slip up, which was far too long ago.)

A stick of gum and a day later, Brittany found herself talking with Santana in the hallway. She made up some shit about dating her sister's friend (like her sister had ever played soccer) in order to try and encourage Santana to find a younger guy. When Santana kept drawing up a blank, Brittany drew up every ounce of acting like a dumb blonde she had in her. She told Santana to sleep with Finn, that his birthday was three days before hers, and that Madonna would want it. Santana didn't call her out on her inaccuracies; instead, she smirked and walked towards Finn.

Brittany felt sick.

Brittany felt even more sick when Santana texted her a couple days later saying that she and Finn were on their way to a motel.

She wanted to use again, so badly. But she had made a promise to Santana. In order to try and fill the void, she called Puck up. Originally she just wanted to get a few cigs, or maybe some booze (Hell, she even just wanted an excuse to get out of her house. Katie had won an award at her science fair and grades were supposed to be mailed home tomorrow…needless to say, being around her mom wasn't so much fun at the moment). But somehow she found herself in his bedroom, his sloppy kisses reminding her every second how wrong it was for her to be there.

When his hand started to venture up her skirt, she pushed it away just as quickly. If HE saw the cuts, she'd have some explaining to do. So, she plastered on a fake smile and mumbled, "Clothes stay on."

When he tried to argue, she shimmied out of her underwear and reached for the condom on his bedside table.

Fifteen uncomfortable minutes later, Brittany finally got off of Puck. He gave her a lazy grin. "See, I knew we'd be great together. Why don't you come back here and-" Just then, Brittany's phone rang with her house ID. Holding up a finger to Puck, Brittany answered.

"Hello?"

"'Hello?' Brittany Susan Pierce, you know you're not supposed to be out of the house! Where are you? You should be studying! You can't imagine the fright I had when I walked into your room to find out if you thought you would be able to finish you homework to find you not there! Where-"

"I'm on my way home now, mom," Brittany mumbled, holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she slid her underwear back on.

"You're in so much trouble young lady! When I find out where you've been, you won't be allowed there again! Do you think this is helping your study habits? I can tell you-"

"Okay, I love you too. Be home soon," Brittany cut off, hanging up quickly. It's not like hanging up on her mom would change the end results. She'd still be grounded for life. Brittany turned to Puck and couldn't even make herself force a fake smile. "I have to go."

"Alright, see you later," he replied, not even bothering to get off the bed. He was already texting someone.

"Later," Brittany responded, before working her way out of the house. She was super glad that Ms. Puckerman was not home today. As she was walking home, Brittany felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and when she unlocked it she found a text from Santana.

"just got done w/ Finn. not so good but now i'll 4sure b head cheerleader :) ttyl B."

Brittany felt like her throat was closing, and she was very surprised when a drop of water fell on her screen. She reached up to her cheeks and realized she was crying. Gulping back more tears, she shakily typed out, "lol whatd you expect? :) Ttyl S, sleep tight." She pressed send with her thumb, while her heart felt like it was breaking. She was addicted…to Santana. And now she needed to quit.


End file.
